Identifying Men Who Use Violence

Men who use to abuse their family are not have some specific profile. The abusers can belong to any culture, they are of any religion or their income also does not matter.

They Are Ordinary People

Most of us think that the abusers can easily be identified because of their behavior. We assumed that their behavior is very harsh towards everyone. 

They are not the monsters like we assumed. They are normal people who behave well with others and can easily adjust in our social circle. It is very important to understand the behavior of an abuser as they behave in a very good and attractive way. We should not assume that the abusers are physically or psychologically unwell.

 They Can Be Likable

It is not easy to understand how women can be easily in a relationship with someone who is abusive. There are some reasons behind this;

• usually Abusive men are extra caring and much attractive
• when they are in the beginning of relationship they show some extra attention
• women in starting can recognize the verbal and emotional abuse

For the other people, abusive person is normal, as he may have family and friends, so people think he is a normal person. So, when woman discloses the abuse about that kind of person, people not believe the woman easily.

Men Who Abuse Also Don’t Abuse

We usually think that man can’t be abusive as he treats his wife in a very lovely way and very good relations with his friends and colleagues. Maybe we like someone very much but at a same time he can be very abusive to his partner. We cannot believe this very easily.

Most of the abusers, abuse their partners because they think they have some ownership over their wives. They think they have right to do the violence, so they can make their partners to do the things which they want.

These kinds of men may have two different sorts of behaviors. They treat people very nicely at their work place and show much aggressive behavior at home. As they satisfy themselves that they are not doing anything wrong because their behavior is good with other people.

How Abusers Groom Victims

Abusers usually mixed up their loving behavior with the abusive one. At the start of relationship abuser show some extra love and positive interactions but after some time they started to show their abusive actions at very low level, which surprise the victim to some extent but not completely. In starting days abuser show extra attention, listen to their partner very carefully, most of the time surprised their partners by giving them gifts. 

But slowly abuser started to show his anger and abusive behavior and try to convince his partner that these actions are also because of love as jealousy and anger is part of love. As they have shown so much love and attention, so the victims are confused about the abuse and cannot leave their partners easily. 

What about Male Victims?

Violence against any gender is very damaging and dangerous to the people who experienced it, regardless of their gender. All of us think that domestic violence and abuse is just against women, but the truth is men experienced it too. Every kind of abuse matters for victims and men also need to be helped.

Men’s Experience of Partner Violence

Domestic violence and abuse against men is not much common and people don’t know much about it. This is very hard for males because they want to express it because of some reasons.

• We are not used to think men as victims

As we know, cases of domestic abuse against males are very male, especially when the abuser is a woman. Due to lack of awareness about such cases, most of the male are not understand properly that from what they are going through.

• Men are socialized not to see themselves as victims

Men are always had been taught that they are very tough and they can’t express their emotions. People thinks man who need help and support from others to solve his issues is very weak. So, as result when a man faced domestic violence or any problem he can’t ask anyone for help because he thinks it’s not a man thing.

• Men may feel ashamed being victims

Mostly men, who are victims of abuse, thought that it is their fault. They don’t give enough attention and care to their partners and they still failed after so many tries to put their all in a relationship. So men feel ashamed to accept the fact that they are suffering from abuse. 

Why Male Victims Don’t Leave?

It is not easy for anyone to leave an abusive relationship immediately. As for men, there are also many reasons; because of he can’t leave easily.

• He is not sure about the Abuse
• He thought that it is his fault
• He felt embarrassing to accept it
• He has fear of financial support after leaving
• He has some positive thinking that things may change
• He has some fear of losing his children

What Does Abuse of Men Look Like

The forms of abuse male are facing are mostly same as women victims faced. Still there are some types of abuse which are specially targeted to men by their partners.

• Property destruction

Abuser started to destroy the objects and many things of the house. The abuser also sells out the things which are important for the victim.

• Sexual Abuse

Men also suffered from sexual abuse. The abuser pressurized the victim to have sex in a way which is not comfortable for the victim. Abuser also criticizes the victims and complaining about the performance of the victim during sex. Most of the time female abuser doesn’t allow their partners to have sex with them as a punishment.

•  Intimidation

The abuser started to threaten the victim to kill them. They also create some fear in them about their suicide and threaten them they may hurt or kill the children of victim. The abuser may also start to disrespect the victim in front of his family and friends.

• Harassment

After separation the abuser started to harass her ex-partner. Abuser started to go at the workplace of victim without any reason. Show up and parked the car outside of his house. Even victims request the abuser to stop, the abuser still continuously called and texted the victim and his family or friends.

Why Don’t Victims Just Leave Abusive Relationships?

It will be a new beginning for victims to leave an abusive relationship but they think that’s it is a great risk for them so they just continue the abusive relation.

People find it very difficult to understand why victims don’t want to leave the abusive relationship. There are many reasons for victims to stay in an abusive relation;

• Hope That Abuse Will End One Day

After the incident of violence, abusers try to show that he/she feel guilty and show that they have regret about what they have done. It may be just a fake show off. Most of the abuser tries to convince their partners that they will not do it again. They started to show some extra love and care to influence their partner. 

They try to explain that it’s just because of some certain reason or they going through some severe pressure as a result they become violent. Abusers tell the victims that he/she trying so hard to stop this violence and they also need the help of their partners.

Victims should not believe the abuser because that feel of guilt may be temporary. Victims should take some time before believing the abuser.

• Victims Have Been Isolated

Victims of violence don’t get any support from their partner who is actually abuser. An abuser doesn’t allow their partner to go out in social gatherings or stop them to attend any family meeting. Victims also feel that nobody in their family believes that they get abused and they don’t get any support from their family members as well.

• Leaving Can Be Dangerous

Most of time women are killed by their partners just because they want to leave the relation or they have just left. The abuse becomes more intense in the case if women are pregnant. Their husband started to hurt them more severely during the pregnancy. Women also feel so much fear of their partners so they cannot leave. They don’t want to get hurt or killed and also don’t want to hurt their children. Some women believe that their lives will not be safer after leaving their husband.

• Leaving Can Lead To Shame

Women feel it’s a very shameful for them to leave their partners. They have fear of getting labelled as, divorced or separated person. In Asian societies it’s very common that women feel it’s very humiliating for them as well as for their family to get divorced. Western women also feel the same shame. Another reason is some women have experienced emotional abusive relationship for a very long time that they can’t even feel confident enough to leave and live on their own.

• Leaving Is a Process

Victims can’t leave the relation or their partners all of sudden. It is a process and it takes some time. When victims leave for the first time their purpose is just to check whether their partner going to make some effort to bring them back and stop the violence. Victims also left their partners just to check that they can live on their own and they have enough resources to live a good life. Victims always give their partners some time by leaving them for a short period of time, before making a decision of permanent separation. Victims also looking for some support before leaving their partners permanently.  

How to Handle Child Abuse?

It’s the responsibility of parents and other adults in family to take care of the children. Almost all parents and elders in a family love their children and take care of them. Still there are some parents and elders who hurt kids. In other words it can be called as an ‘abuse’.

Child abuse is such a dangerous thing. It causes so many negative impacts on every kind of child, whether they belong to a rich family or they live in any rural area. It doesn’t belongs to just a particular class. Children get abused mostly by their parents, their siblings, by a family member or even by their teachers.

Tell Right Away

Children, who get abused, should tell their parents or other adults in family member about their problem. Most of the children find it very difficult to talk about the abuse with their parents. The basic reason is that the abuser threaten the children to not to tell anybody about it. But children should talk to their parents or their guardians because any kind of abuse is wrong. 

If children can’t share it with parents or it’s difficult for them to find any other trust worthy member in family, then they should ask for help from a center, as many centers are working to help these kinds of children.

How a Child Know Something is Abusive

Abuse can be of so many forms, it may be physical, verbal, emotional or sexual. If children feel that someone is constantly hit them, hurt them, neglect them, bullies them or harassed them sexually then it is an abuse. A children may suffering from one kind of abuse or different kinds of abuse at a same time.

How to Tell Someone What is Happening?

It’s very necessary for kids to tell someone about the abuse they are suffering from. But the question is how a child can tell it to someone? There are several ways to tell about it.

• Talk to their parents
• Talk to other adult person in a family
• Write a letter or note to a person who is trustworthy for them
• Can contact to help centers 

It’s totally depending on the situation to whom the child tells and how he/she tells about the abuse. The child may tell it to a one person or so many people, until there is someone who takes the actual action against the abuse. The decision taken by child to talk about is not just good for him/her, but it’s very beneficial for other children as well who are suffering from same situation.

It’s not always easy for any child to talk about the abuse. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to feel enough strong, so a child finally can talk to someone. Children should take some time to feel strong and it’s totally fine. At the end it’s the bravest step taken by a child to stay happy and safe and to stop abuse from being happening.

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Avoid an Abusive Relationship

An Abusive relationship can happen at any time. It may be after few days, weeks, months or even after a year after getting into a relationship. Most of the time, victims felt that they are helpless or got stuck and they can’t get out of this.

But the good thing is that there is always a way to get out of these kind of relationships as soon as possible. Victims just know about the signs of an Abusive relationship so he/she can avoid it safely.

Eight Signs of an Abusive Relationship

• Lying

Trust is very important in every relationship. If victim’s partner started to lie, then he/she must be alert. Abuser may make to feel victim that he/she can’t trust him/her. Abuser just tries to manipulate his/her victim. Whether the lie is small or big, it should always be a red alert for the victim. As an attempt to manipulate in a relationship is not a good sign.

• Insults

Victim should not tolerate to being insulted by their partners. It is another way used by abuser to manipulate his/her partner. May be it is small in beginning but it will become bigger. By insulting abuser wants victim to questioning their self-worth.

• Passive Aggressive Behavior

While in Abusive relationship passive-aggressive behavior is a main form of communication. Abuser never asks his/her partner about what to do or what they want, an abuser just make their partner to feel guilty into doing what they want.

• Anger Problems

Someone who can’t control his/her anger becomes more dangerous when coming into relationship. It’s a red alert for victims, if their partners can’t control their anger. If victim’s partner gets angry very quickly on small things at others, then it’s a sign for victim, that his/her partner will do the same with them.

• Aggression

It’s another sign which should also be avoided. Abuser mostly punches on the wall or slamming the doors. They just try to show their partners about their powers and try to manipulate them. They try to show the damage they can do. This kind of relationship should be avoided at any cost.

• Extreme Jealousy

Little bit of jealousy in a relationship is not a bad sign. But if started to become extreme then obviously it’s a red sign for victim. If abuser started to get jealous just be seeing a friend or outing with family members, then it’s a very dangerous thing. This type of habit cannot be ignored.

• Physical Abuse

It is the most dangerous and harmful habit of an abuser. If your partner hits you, slaps you or hurts you in any way, then you should leave them as soon as possible. Even if they promise that they will never do it again. The only purpose of abuser just gets the control over the victim.

• If You Ever Left Me, I Would Hurt Myself

The end of any relationship is not always easy. It might be very difficult and heartbreaking. But the end of any relationship should never drive someone towards suicide. Victim should be very careful when abuser or their partner said; they can’t live without you if you leave them. It may be just an attempt to get emotional help but most probably abusers want to control their victims’ thoughts through manipulation.

A Male Dominant Society

In a society of ours, mainly a male dominant society for decades, the issue of harassment, violence and abuse in all its forms is commonly prevalent. The ruling elite of the third world countries have not gone farther in its resolve to curtail the issues concerning exploitation. 

Zainab's Incident

Pakistan, unfortunately among-st one of the countries facing this menace, is taking serious measures to address the matters concerning harassment. The recent incident of “Zainab” has become a rallying cry for masses to put an end to violence. 

All segments of society showed grave concerns over increasing incidents of violation and exploitation. The rapid and swift judgment in the case will not bring the innocent life back but the hopes have been set high that such fearful episodes of violence and abuse will come to halt.

Intolerance of these kind of Abusive Behaviors

The painful incident and its hue and cry challenged the criminal and justice system. It also raised a question on the direction in which society is moving. The criminal was not only anticipated and brought to justice but more importantly the time in which all the proceedings have taken place has set an unprecedented example. The message was loud and clear that such shameful acts will not be tolerated in any manner by the society.

I am living in a society rather in a mob of people where respect, gender equality and justice is a far cry. The only solution, in my opinion, to get out of this vicious circle is to act united and introduction of laws which ensure strict punishments for the offenders.

Survivor of Emotional Abuse

Nancy, A Victim Suffered from Emotional Abuse

This is about a story of a survivor of emotional abuse, whose name is Nancy. Nancy suffered from Emotional Abuse throughout her 15-year married life. She said emotional abuse is more harmful than any other type of abuse and much damaging.

Through emotional abuse, Nancy’s partner damaged her soul; her partner used so hurting words which caused her pain and suffering. He tried to lower down her self-confidence and self-worth. He caused her deep pain, that’s why she started to feel his presence un-bearing.

Blamed Nancy for His Own Action

As being abuser her partner never took the responsibilities of his actions and always blamed Nancy. Whenever Nancy tried to stop him, he always made excuses to justify himself about his actions. He always ended his abusive behavior by saying that she is the reason behind his behavior and she deserved this kind of abuse. She faced threats, shouting, insults, criticism, and humiliation. At the end of his humiliating behavior, her partner called it as a humor just to justify himself. He never allowed her to say anything about in her defense and not gave any attention to her explanations.

Her Partner’s Purpose to Abuse

One of the purposes of emotional abuse of Nancy’s partner was just to be showed himself as superior to her. He tried this also through his body language. He always chose to walk or stand in front of her, so she could feel in-equality. He never walked beside her whenever they are outside together. Sometimes he also says this thing verbally, that Nancy is not equal to him. His partner never said good or nice things to her so she could not feel something special. He always made her feel that she does not deserve any kind of appreciation.

Lack of Communication

Nancy also faced lack of communication from his partner’s side. He was so secretive and holds the information which was important to both of them like their financial affairs. Mostly he made the decisions which were affecting both of them, without her consent or without her involvement in final decisions. He also refused to answer her questions. He didn’t communicate with her, without being abusive and never listen what she wanted to say. 

Nancy Decided to Leave

Nancy finally realized that living under these conditions is not good for health and well-being. She made many attempts to change the behavior of her partner, but he refused them all and not gave a little attention to her efforts.  He always blamed Nancy that she is the one who couldn’t communicate well and she is the reason just because that he is unable to show his love and affection to children and Nancy.

Finally Nancy admitted she could never end this cycle of her partner’s abusive behavior and never able to end the pain through which she and her children were suffering. So she decided to implement her options to set her and children free.